Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
