I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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