one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My feet surprised me
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