Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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