I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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