Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
