Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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