No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There r osticjed everywhere
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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