Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
