I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
