Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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