Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
