Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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