At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
