I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
