i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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