if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
