just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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