WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize