oh god the rape fog is back!
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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