Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
