The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
