I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
