I accidentally had phone sex last night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
