now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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