last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
