you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
