i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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