she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
