Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
