what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
