My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
