Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
