the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
