Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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