there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
