The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
