So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
