If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
