Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
