mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
