She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
