what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
