I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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