I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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