This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
