What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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