There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
