Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
