Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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