I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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