Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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