I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
