dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
