this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
