A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
