Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize