there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize