Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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