i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Of course I have a pirate flag
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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