You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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