I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize