i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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