you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize