You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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