Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
