i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
